What is the size of beauty? A size 2? Maybe a 5? Does the size of beauty only extend to a 10? Now before I begin this post, know that I have never been a “Monique” type; one who praised big women telling them to be “phat-abulous” or downed the skinny ones calling them “skinny b*tches”. As a matter of fact I just would never talk about it, in hopes no one would notice or at least act like they noticed my size. Even now it is hard for me to swallow my insecurities to write this. I have always been one of those out of sight out of mind type of people so as long as no one directly referred to my weight I was ok, BUT let someone bring it up, ooooo gosh it would be like one of those terrible dreams were you were in class and realized you didn’t have any clothes on. It would not even have to be something bad, as matter of fact there were certain compliments that would make my stomach turn, like “O something about BIG powerful women is so beautiful to me,” or “you are such a big beautiful woman.” To this day I cringe when weight is brought up! I was teased as a kid for being fat so I really have had problems with admitting to my size. I mean nowadays most friends really aren’t trying to be mean but they’ll start off sentences like “no offense but big people…..” and any time these comments were made I would curse evolution for not blessing me with a shell, or some safe haven to crawl into.
Now I have always been the one to give advice to people telling them the best accessory you could EVER wear would be the self-confidence and love that you hold inside, while the whole time I have been battling that inner issue. Now I know at times it may seem like I am the most confident person in the world, because I wear what I’d like when I’d like, because I do things to stand out like dye my hair red, get piercings and tattoos but all the while a large part of those fashion statements were to create another identifier for myself outside of "the big girl". I hated the thought of my name being brought up behind my back and to think people were saying things like “ you know victoria, BIG Victoria” so I would do things in hopes that I could pick up a new identifier “you know Victoria, the one with the red hair” or “the one with the lip/nose ring” or “ the one with all the tattoos” or “the one that dresses like something out of an eighties movie”….. anything but “the big Victoria.” but I have come to the realization that I was being a coward, that regardless of the color of my hair or the piercings in my lip, I am still a size 16, and it sucks right now for me because I don’t find me attractive BUT there is a brighter day in the horizon and from this point on I promise to try my hardest to love my body. Sorry this post is so long but I am doing this as step one in my self-acceptance, I am big and I know that (please do not take this post for granted, it is really hard for me to say this to the public) but I am beautiful, and while big may not be your “thing” that’s fine because it is mine. And from this day forward I promise to love myself a little bit harder. For my readers that made it so far down the page, I want you to do the same thing, too big, too little, too tall, too short, too light, too dark…. Too perfect! Let’s accept these differences and find the beauty within ourselves. I am on the road to recovery, and hopefully by the end of this journey I will no longer need confirmation of my beauty from others, the love I receive from myself and God will be more than enough. Thank you and I love you!
-Victoria Jones
